Kittymomma's Adventures

Chris and I sat down with Max today to choose pictures for a “Max and Lucy Memory Book”. I can’t take credit for this idea. Several friends suggested it on Facebook after I published my blog post “A Little Boy and His Sister”. Yesterday, Max chose a photo album at Super Target and we bought some stickers to form the words “Max and Lucy” on the outside.

Max’s choices for pictures to put in the album were pretty different from what I had in mind. I already had a list of pictures of the two of them together that I thought would work. I had envisioned it as an album of pictures of the two of them. But I want it to feel like it’s really his and who knows why he might have chosen the ones he did? So, we will probably include some pictures of Percy the Train sitting next to my breast pump along with the ones of him and Lucy together.

Max lost interest and wanted screen time pretty quickly, so Chris and I chose most of the pictures. We are not quite finished, but I am hoping the album will prove special to Max.

One of my biggest worries since Lucy died has been whether or not Max will remember her and, if so, how well. I do not remember much from when I was three. Max is almost four and that might help. But I don’t remember much from when I was four, either, to tell you the truth.

It would break my heart if he forgot her. You can’t love someone you can’t remember. It’s just not possible. Well, maybe, children who lost a parent and are too young to remember them might still love them. That’s the only exception I can think of. If you have other examples, please tell me about them. I can’t think of anyone I love that I can’t remember.

Max loved Lucy so much. He was so happy to have a sister. And she adored him, too. We have several pictures where she is just gazing at him in admiration and adoration. I know nothing can hurt her now, but it just seems so unfair to her that the only sibling that knew her might forget her and stop loving her. Their relationship was so special. It made me so happy to see how much they loved each other. My husband and I created two beings. We made them brother and sister. We helped create that love. And it would break my heart for it to vanish.

Any future children we have will not know Lucy. Max and Lucy were each others world for fifteen months. They were a wonderful fifteen months. I want so much for him to remember at least some of it his whole life. To really remember it.  Not just from stories and pictures. Actual, real memories in his head that can keep the love alive in his heart. Not just for him, but so he can create a bridge between Lucy and any future siblings she has. We will need his help to be one whole family, rather than two distinct ones.

A quick update about some of the issues I posted about yesterday – Chris, Max, and I went to dinner at a friend’s house tonight and Max eventually warmed up and played very happily with her little girl. He said he didn’t want to leave. Also, he has indicated (Not said, mind you.) that he had to go potty several times today and only had one accident. I need to remember what I was saying to Chris the other night. Nothing lasts forever in parenthood or, at least, they give you breaks often enough that you keep your sanity.