Argh! I want a second baby so bad!

I finally have to be honest and admit it to myself. I want a second baby. Yes, already. My first is almost fifteen months and I already want another one. I’ve wanted another one since he was tiny, but it was an abstract, vague longing.

Not so much anymore. All of the signs are there. I think about it a lot. I am jealous of moms pregnant with their second or third and so on. (Well, most of the time. There were two moms pregnant with their second in Max’s music class the other day and I wasn’t jealous at all.) I am watching “A Baby Story” again. I half hope I won’t get my period some months.

But I don’t think it’s time. I know Chris isn’t quite ready, although he’s being very understanding with my talking about the next one quite a bit. I’m frustrated because I don’t quite understand my feelings. I’m not sure whether I want another baby now or I’m just looking forward to the time when we will be ready and go for it. Do I really want one now and am just ashamed to admit it, because I know some people will think I’m crazy? Or am I just looking forward to it like Christmas – it will be so awesome when it gets here, but it’s not quite time yet.

I’ve always liked a challenge, so that might be one reason I feel ready for another now. I’ve also been known to bite off more than I can chew occasionally, although I pretty much always come through and achieve my goals. I’m not a procrastinator anymore, so I’m not so worried about biting off more than I can chew.

Plus, I just love kids. I always imagined myself having several close together. The reality of motherhood has changed that desire a little bit, but I don’t know if I really want to let it go. I might still want that.

Things are just so perfect with Max right now, though. It is challenging and I get tired, but he is just so cute and sweet and fun. I love him more than everyday. He really is wonderful and keeps my life full and I feel slightly guilty for wanting more, like he’s not enough or something. I know that’s silly, but I feel it anyway.

Plus, I’ve just started to feel like me again the past few months. I tend to suffer from anxiety and it was exacerbated by the postpartum hormones. However, I’ve gotten my day-to-day anxiety under control. I feel better than I have in a decade probably. I really don’t think the depression and anxiety and insomnia will happen next time. And, if they do, I’m not going to suffer like I did last time. I’ll stop nursing or do whatever I have to do, so I can take Unisom or whatever so I won’t be going crazy from sleep deprivation and trying to take care of two kids at the same time.

So, I feel like me again and I also feel like I’m much more on top of things as a mom. So, of course, I want to upend everything! You know, for funsies! For shits and giggles! I have trouble just leaving things alone and enjoying them as they are. But is it that or do I truly want another one right now??

Finally, I really don’t want to rush Chris. I want us both to be happy and excited about it. And I don’t think he’s there yet. Which is totally understandable. We’ve been through so much the past few years. We’ve had a lot of big changes back to back. We got together, we moved in together four months later, we got engaged seven months after that, got married six months after that, and got pregnant nine months later. Max was born 17 months in to our marriage and we moved when he was almost eight months old. It’s only been seven months since we moved. Maybe we need a little more downtime. In fact, I’m almost sure we do.

Right now, I’m just trying to be patient with myself and take it day-to-day, seeing how I feel. I’m so glad to get this off my chest, though. For some reason, I felt like it was a dirty little secret to possibly want a second baby already. But it’s not. I am going to be honest and just say it – I think I want another one, if not now, soon. But I don’t know when it will happen. And I’m not completely sure of my feelings so …. thoughts? Perspectives from moms who already have two or more? From dads? I do feel like I’m going a little crazy trying to analyze my feelings here sometimes.

One thing I do know – it will be crazy and hard, but it will be amazing when we have another child. We’ll wonder how we ever lived without him or her. I know that even all of you who are reading this and thinking I’m crazy right now are also thinking that deep down. Being a mom is amazing. And I can’t wait to do it all over again.

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