Do not attempt this while sleep-deprived

I burnt my shoulder with the hairdryer. Ouch. I don’t know how people stand it who get burns over large portions of their bodies when even a little one smarts so much. I guess they stand it because they have to.  My first post-baby alcoholic drink can’t come soon enough. For now, I will settle for ice cream with chocolate sauce.

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Crazy little thing called love

How is it that I can simultaneously love my little boy so much I feel like I’ll explode from the force of it and somewhat resent having to drop everything every few hours and let him suckle on my boob for almost an hour? I’m quickly learning that you feel torn about almost everything to do with motherhood. I’d better get used to it. At least the utter adorableness and heartbreaking sweetness of my little man do a lot to make it worth it.

Baby love

No matter how tired and frustrated I am, all I have to do is take as little as five or ten minutes alone, and I miss my baby. The joy I feel when I look at his little face is amazing. I sit there crankily in the early morning or at night, waiting for my husband to bring him to me for nursing after changing his diaper (Yes, my husband is awesome.), and I see his sweet face and realize I’ve actually missed him while I was sleeping. It’s wild and wonderful and amazing.

Mommy = 24-hour restaurant?

I feel like a heel when my son has already been eating for an hour, wants more (or maybe just wants to stay at the breast for comfort), and I have to take a break to go to the bathroom or stretch my legs or just because I’m tired of having someone suck milk out of me. I know these feelings are normal, but that certainly doesn’t make them any more pleasant. Or make me any less worried that my son is learning he can’t trust his mommy to be there for him whenever and however long he needs her.

Unexpected parenting dialogues

Me: The baby stuck out his tongue while I was kissing him today. Very bad timing.

Husband: Are you telling me you French-kissed our boy?

Me: Well, technically, HE french-kissed ME.

Oy.

Precocious or possessed?

So, I have decided that my child is officially the GASSIEST KID EVER. He cannot have a bowel movement silently. Of course, this has its benefits. We never have to guess if he’s got a dirty diaper. Everyone in the room knows. There is no peeking or taking a deep breath and sticking your finger in there.

And don’t get me started on the atomic spit-up, which managed to bypass the towel I placed on the bed to protect the sheets. However, the bedskirt did manage to catch all of the run-off, so that the carpet was saved. Such an act of heroism was not expected of the bedskirt.

Also, he has scared the cats several times by breaking wind while they were in the immediate vicinity. However, it is not difficult to scare two of our cats. The fact that he made Fudgie sit up and take notice, though…

Last night, he managed to achieve a feat both hilarious and freaky. My husband and I were lying in bed when we heard the tell-tale noises coming from the bassinet of the Pack ‘n’ Play. Since we both become 12 whenever we hear anyone pass gas and are extremely sleep-deprived, this always sends us in to gales of laughter. However, he followed up his gastric hijinks with what sounded remarkably like laughter. Seriously!! It sounded like he made himself laugh that time! I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure babies are supposed to be older than barely four weeks before they laugh. At the time, this just seemed funny, but now I’m a little weirded out. Is my baby precocious or possessed? By the spirit of a much older baby???? Egad.

Mommy brain, part 2

I was gazing at my son’s perfect face today and suddenly I panicked. “He’s already almost a month old and we haven’t brushed his teeth!”, I thought in a panic. “We brush the cats’ teeth and even apply sealant to Earl Grey’s religiously once a week, but we have neglected our child’s dental hygiene!!” Then, reason and logic briefly held sway in my sleep-deprived brain. Newborns don’t have teeth. Riiiiggghht.

It’s a very cruel joke of Mother Nature’s that, at the time when we have a vulnerable new life to protect, we are so out of our minds with lack of sleep that we can’t walk straight or form a coherent thought. Last night, I forgot the first lines to two of my favorite Dixie Chicks songs I was attempting to sing to my son before he went to sleep. This morning, I banged my toes in to the wall on my way out of the kitchen yet again and blasphemed. Thank God the kid was across the room. Later on, I accidentally dropped a spoon on the coffee table and woke him up. I promptly followed that stunning feat by uttering the Queen Mother of Dirty Words. I said it under my breath, but he was much closer this time. (Did I forget to mention that being wakened every three hours or less to feed someone causes lack of patience and frustration as well as stupidity?) Not batting a thousand as a mom today. Maybe it is the lack of Starbucks. They really need to start delivering.

Mommy brain

A combination of baby love, which renders me unwilling and unable to think about much besides my baby boy and how crazy I am about him, and extreme fatigue, are making it impossible for me to think of anything to write about. Except for the fact that I can’t think of anything. Hopefully, I will get more sleep tonight and come at you with something more scintillating tomorrow. However, the delirium from being barely able to keep my eyes open is actually somewhat pleasant. Maybe I want to keep it.

It’s amazing how, no matter how tired I am, if I am at all worried about my little one, I can’t seem to go to sleep. That has been the problem the past few nights. He has hit a growth spurt and, consequently, changed his schedule on me. The past few nights, he has eaten at about 9:30 and then not woken up for 4 or 5 hours. My husband and I are still night owls, so we often stay up until the usual three-hour gap between feedings has elapsed at 12:30. However, he has skipped that feeding the past two nights. We would try to go to bed once we realized he was going to skip it, but I would be too keyed up, worrying that I should get up and feed him, because (and here’s the kicker) he would wake up, but not want to eat. He would take the pacifier, but kept spitting it out. I ask you, what kind of newborn wakes up at night and doesn’t want to eat??? And then plays fetch with his poor, tired, addle-brained parents??? (If you’re wondering how I was managing to even try and sleep, my wonderful husband was the one fetching the pacifier over and over.)

Essentially, we have missed out on a good 5 or 6 hours of consecutive sleep the past few nights. If you have ever been a new parent, especially a breast-feeding mom, you know how precious that is. I am going to try and out-smart him tonight by going to bed as soon after the 9:30 feeding as possible. I have a feeling I may have met my match, though. We’ll see.

Another thing no one tells you about having a baby

That you will spend a lot of time washing umbilical cord stump blood out of onesies. And possibly belly button blood as well, since the area is not always happy after the stump comes off.

Look out below!

I finally ventured a look below nearly two weeks after having my baby. Despite the fact that everything seems pretty much healed and the stitches are gone, I think my butt cheeks are permanently clenched from the trauma of poking around down there. Well, “permanently” might be stating it a bit strongly, but they ain’t unclenching any time soon.

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