Proud

Team Lucy’s journey (the first phase of it anyway) culminates with the Heart Walk tomorrow. I am so excited and so sad. I know the Heart Walk is going to be a wonderful day to celebrate Lucy and all of those we have loved and lost to heart ailments. It will also be a wonderful day to celebrate survivors. But I am trying to figure out where Team Lucy will go in the future without taking myself too far out of enjoying my present success.

The Team has given me a way to mother Lucy in the five months since she died. The fact is, I am still and will always be her mother. But it is really hard to figure out how to mother someone who is dead. And the Team has let me do that.

The Ladybug Jam last weekend was the birthday party we will not get to give her this year. In fact, it even happened on the five-month anniversary of her death. Even though we are planning a celebration for her actual birthday in February, it was wonderful to celebrate her life by trying to give hope to others last Saturday. I worked harder on that event than on any birthday party and almost even more than my wedding and I am so proud of the way it turned out. I am so proud that I had a wonderful core Team of friends who helped me with it as well.

I am very proud that I created this Team and just jumped in, even though I didn’t know what I was doing. I never dreamed it would be this successful. I was just hoping to have lots of bodies in the Walk wearing shirts with Lucy’s name and the words “pediatric cardiomyopathy”. And we are going to have that. But we have also raised over $14,000. Our original goal was $3000 and I thought it might be difficult to even make that. I am so humbled and touched by the enthusiastic response of family, friends, and people we don’t even know. I barely had to do anything besides post on Facebook to raise the bulk of this money. People just wanted to help. Team Lucy is proof that every person can make a difference and every donation matters, no matter how small.

I am very proud that I just jumped in and made the Ladybug Jam happen, even though I have never done anything like that before. I am a great planner and I love planning events. But I had to step out of my comfort zone for this one. I had to ask for help. I had to delegate to people and trust them to do the job right. I had to ask people to donate things for free. All of those tasks are ones I have been very uncomfortable with in the past. But I had to do it. For Lucy and myself. And I am so glad I did. I hesitated and changed my mind a million times, but I finally did it.

I am proud that I brought Lucy into this world. It was an incredibly hard pregnancy. I was in so much physical pain for weeks after she was born. It was very hard to be crushed with her diagnosis right when my physical pain finally went away. It was so hard to say good-bye. But every moment of it was worth it to be her mother. I am so proud to be the mother of a person who has had such an impact on the world. She was so special and she has inspired so many. I hope part of her legacy will be a cure for cardiomyopathy. I am going to do my best to make it so. But she has already left a legacy with her sweetness and bravery and purity of heart. She really was perfect. She never had a chance to be imperfect and I hate that. But every single bit of pain was worth it to be her mother. And if others can be helped through her life and death, it will almost have been worth it to lose her. Almost.

I tried to think of clever names for this team. Lucy’s Ladybugs, Lucy’s Lionhearts. Nothing seemed quite right and I finally just went with Team Lucy. And it is the perfect name. The two reasons for our success are right there: Lucy herself and the wonderful Team of people who signed up to walk as well as everyone who has donated and helped spread the word. Every single one of you is a member of the original Team Lucy, no matter whether you are listed on the Team page right now or you walk tomorrow.

This blog post has ended up being a love letter to myself basically. I am going to write a post soon thanking absolutely everyone who contributed to Team Lucy and the Ladybug Jam. But for now, I needed to give this love to myself. I needed to say to the world how proud of myself I am. I needed to own this success. I did not make the team successful on my own, but I brought Lucy into the world and I created the Team. I will never stop talking about Lucy and pediatric cardiomyopathy to anyone who will listen. (And even some who don’t want to.) I am very, very proud of that.

The Heart Walk is tomorrow. If you have not donated yet or would like to help some more, please visit our page: http://social.heart.org/cuY75Vg

One more time, the last for now: GO TEAM LUCY!!!

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1 Comment

  1. laura smith said,

    October 18, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    You have ever reason to be very proud! While in the trenches of grief, you have spurred Team Lucy on towards an amazing achievement! The pain must run so deep, and be so ever-present…and yet in the midst of it, you and all of Team Lucy have done something beautiful and wonderful. Being Lucy’s mother is a gift that will continue all throughout your life, and I know I always say this, but that bond between mother and daughter is never, ever broken. It’s how you continue to love someone and feel loved by them even without their earthly presence. Love truly never ends, and all of your work with the Ladybug Jam and Team Lucy is a wonderful expression of that love. So very proud to know you.


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