Trying to want what I want

Last night, Chris, Max, and I went to the Pflugerville Pfireworks Pfestival. Max loved the fireworks. He held his hands over his ears the whole time, but he laughed and laughed.

It was a wonderful evening until we had to wait in the shuttle line to go home. OMG. Anyone reading this who might ever go to the Pfestival, heed my words. DO NOT USE THEIR SHUTTLE SERVICE. We had to wait an hour and a half, packed in like cattle, for a bus back to our car. And we were some of the lucky ones. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful child. He didn’t start to fuss until about an hour into the wait.

Unfortunately, I became pretty fussy, too. The later it got, the more I started to dread the next day. I was already feeling exhausted and drained and the chances of getting a good night’s sleep were getting dimmer by the minute. I was feeling pretty pessimistic about handling Max’s need for attention the next day.

We finally boarded a bus and made it back to our car. There was a woman sitting in front of us on the bus. She seemed alone, but after the bus stopped and the lights came on, a sleepy baby girl popped up in her arms and started crying and fussing a bit.

That just finished my mood. Every baby girl reminds me of Lucy. I couldn’t stand it. I just stared at her, wishing with all my heart that Lucy was in my arms, sleepy and fussing.

The cemetery was on our way home. That didn’t help much, either. But then, Max fell asleep in the car, which was cute and also a relief. We managed to get him upstairs and in bed without waking him up.

All of this, combined with pregnancy hormones and exhaustion, put me in a pretty good spiral of self-pity. When Chris came to bed, he gently asked me if I was ok. Of course, I wasn’t and I poured out everything. I remember something about “only child hell”. Yes, I was very worked up. And I am a little embarrassed I said or thought that at all. That’s not really the way I feel. At least, not to that extent. But Max and I both miss Lucy and we are still adjusting.

All of this got me thinking about how much I want this baby to be a girl. Or do I?

The fact is, I have a very strong feeling this baby is a boy. Last night, I had myself convinced I’m not ok with that. But I think I am actually afraid of being ok with it.

Last night, I prayed for God to give me some answers about why all this happened. Why I was given the daughter I wanted so badly just to have her taken away. I prayed for Him to help me be a good mom and wife today, no matter how crappy I feel.

And, of course, today has gone fine. I am super-tired, but Max has been quite amenable and easy to deal with.

The best part, though, is that I have felt this strong, passionate love for my baby-to-be today. And I still have a very strong feeling it’s a boy. It’s the first time in a week or so that I have felt very connected to him or her, because I have been pretty busy and tired. It is so nice to feel this love again.

I just can’t seem to let go of my dream of having a daughter. I am afraid that, if this baby is a boy, I might not ever have another daughter and I might not be ok with that. I would be so grateful for the children I have, but I would be angry over Lucy being taken and never being granted another daughter.

I watched “Anne of Green Gables” last weekend for the first time since Lucy died. In fact, I think it was the first time since she was born. I had planned to watch it with her soon and it hurt more than I expected to watch it without her. I tried to get Max interested, but he wanted to watch videos with his Daddy. And I could see my future there if I never had another daughter. There is no guarantee a daughter would be interested in Anne or that a son wouldn’t. But it’s just representative of everything I wanted to share with Lucy and didn’t get the chance. I could see a future surrounded with boys who share none of my interests and I wasn’t too happy about it.

The upshot is that I am having a hard time letting myself be ok with this baby being a boy. Despite the fact that I think I want a boy and I absolutely love this baby no matter what. If I am meant to have another daughter I will. Who knows? Maybe I will get the boy and girl twins I yearn for. Stranger things have happened. They are the most common kind of twins. It seems like my prayers for today were answered, so maybe that one will be as well.

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