Surprising Emotions

Many surprising emotions have attended my journey of grieving my daughter. I have written before about the fact that the experience is simply bizarre. That is still the best word to describe it. But there are many distinct emotions I have catalogued within that “bizarre” umbrella.

I am acquainted with a mother whose little girl was diagnosed with a brain tumor last Christmas. She is hanging in there, but it has been a very tough road for all of them. The future is very uncertain. I see updates on Facebook from time to time and my heart sinks when I see that she is not doing well. Of course, I am delighted when I find out she has improved.

However, I have also noticed that I often feel jealous when I see these updates. JEALOUS??? That is one emotion I never, ever felt when reading about sick children before. But that is how I feel now. No matter how sick their daughter is, she is still alive. She seems to have hope. They are still in there fighting for her. They get to be with her. I am so glad Lucy is no longer sick and struggling, but I would give anything to still have a chance to fight for her. I wanted so much for her to get a new heart and feel better.

Another surprising emotion is boredom. I do not want to offend anyone who has only one child. But I hate having only one. Believe me, I know how very lucky I am to have Max. I am so grateful for him. I love him so much. At times, when things were at their craziest with two, I did sometimes look back wistfully to when it was just him. I knew it was hard for me, but that seemed crazy after I knew what two was like.

 I know I would be blessed to only ever have Max, but I have always wanted a big family. I had two close together, so they would have a playmate close in age. Now that we are back to one and he has gone through the trauma of separation from us during hospital stays and the actual death of his sister, he is stuck to me like glue. I am trying to embrace that and be strong and be there for him. But it is so hard to be his sole emotional support and playmate. I am a 34-year-old woman. I don’t like to play trains and Legos. I can’t do it all day. I just get SO BORED. And frustrated. I feel so angry that my daughter was taken from us, let alone right when she was getting big enough to finally play with her brother.

We have playdates, he still wants me to play. We go out, he still wants me to play with him. He will watch TV or play on his own sometimes. But he needs me so much. And I want to be there for him, but it is just so overwhelming sometimes to be his only companion all day.

This post has taken on a much more negative tone than I expected. I planned it out before I had the last few frustrating hours with Max. So, here is another emotion that is not surprising considering another aspect of our current circumstances – joy. Because Farmer baby 3 will be joining us next spring! There is, of course, a mixture of joy and sadness in my feelings concerning this pregnancy. But there is absolutely no doubt when it comes to the baby him/herself. We are already in love with him/her and absolutely cannot wait to meet them.

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