Kittymomma's Adventures

Yesterday was my first day at home alone with Max since Lucy died. I dreaded it for the last few weeks, but it actually went quite well.

I missed her so much at lunch. Lunch with my two kids had become a special part of my day in the last few months. Lucy was older and on a different schedule, so we were all able to eat together sometimes.

 I felt Lucy’s absence acutely as Max and I walked into HEB, followed by a wave of sadness when I saw the shopping carts. I remembered how they rode in a racecar cart together for the first time on what would be our last trip to the store together.

I saw a mom with a new baby and looked after her wistfully.

As we walked through the aisles, I started to think how I just didn’t want to be there without her. My limbs began to feel weak and fuzzy, like they do every time the reality of the situation crashes over me. The first time I noticed that feeling was when we had the endless interviews with the transplant team in Dallas at the very same time we were reeling from being told she could have a severe attack of ventricular tachycardia and die at any moment. My limbs kept trying to disappear on me. I kept feeling like I needed to lie down. But I forced myself to stay upright and smile and look like a mom fully capable of handling a child with a heart transplant. It was the most important audition of my life. I had to be a good heart mom and save my daughter’s life.

That feeling tried to overtake me again at HEB. But I forced myself upright again. I talked to Max. I looked at my list. Suddenly, I realized I was buying school supplies for my son for the first time.

My kid actually needs school supplies! I have a kid big enough to need school supplies! How did I not see this first coming? Usually, I would be geeking out looking forward to something like this.

I proudly found the Elmer’s glue and reminded Max what it was for. I marveled at the joy and hope that still remains in my life.