Uncomfortably Embracing the Unknown

Amazingly enough, there have been only a couple of nights that I really couldn’t sleep since Lucy died. There was the first night, obviously. But then, a few nights later, I found myself terrified of the very thing I wanted most – being close to my daughter.

I had been sleeping with an article of Lucy’s clothing every night, but it really wasn’t comforting after the first night. I kept it up, because I thought I should. Also, I hoped the comfort would come back. But it didn’t. And that last night, I think it actually made things worse.

The memory is a little fuzzy now, but I think I dreamed about Lucy. I heard once that if you dream about someone who is dead, that is actually them communicating with you in the dream. At first, that thought was comforting. But I took it too far.

I am honestly not sure what I believe anymore. I was uncertain before I lost Lucy. I believe in God and heaven, but that belief has been shaky for awhile. It actually got stronger when she had that amazing turnaround in the hospital in Dallas. I am actually surprised that I am not angry with Him now. That might come, but for now, I am just asking Him for help.

I also don’t really believe in ghosts, but that doesn’t stop me from being scared of them. So, basically, I tried very hard to welcome Lucy if she was trying to communicate with me. I wanted to be open to that if it was possible. It’s my baby daughter, how bad can it be? But it was still too scary. It was the middle of the night, I was only half awake, and I became convinced I could feel Lucy next to the bed and I was terrified.

That happened to me after my grandmother died, too. I kept thinking I saw her standing next to my bed, gazing down at me reproachfully. I’m not sure why, since I loved my grandmother very much and had a great relationship with her. I guess it’s because I didn’t like the way I acted during what turned out to be the last time I saw her. I acted like the thirteen-year-old I was. Not rude or anything, but not terribly loving.

I just couldn’t calm down and go to sleep. Chris eventually got me to relinquish the sleeper I was clutching and calm down and go to sleep. There have been no repeat incidents. I did have another dream in which Lucy appeared, but it did not wake me up. I was just happy the next day to have dreamed of her.

I just don’t know what to think about this sort of thing. I have had several uncomfortable supernatural experiences concerning Lucy. The night before she was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy, I felt inexplicably worried about her. I was standing outside of her room holding her and I happened to glance over my shoulder. I thought I saw a dark figure in her room. It was probably an optical illusion of some sort, since the room was dark, but it seemed uncomfortably like the Grim Reaper after she was diagnosed.

The night before she died, I dreamed she was dying and there was nothing we could do about it. The dream made me feel so terribly sad, but she seemed normal the next day and I shook it off. You could call all of these things mother’s intuition, but I don’t know what to think. Are there such things as ghosts? Spirits? Intuition? Psychic phenomena?

I don’t think I really want to know. Most of these things could probably be attributed to the close bond I shared with my daughter. Perhaps that bond can transcend death. I hope so. I guess anything that bolsters my hope that I will see her again is a good thing.

What kinds of experiences have you had after you lost a loved one? Looking back, were there any strange signs before they died?



  1. Jen said,

    May 21, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    My father said my great-grandmothers used to come to him in dreams. One of them came once and told him we needed to go see my other great-grandmother in the hospital, and that was the last time we saw her, as she died shortly after that.
    I also had a dream once where my friend who passed in a car accident was sitting on my bed talking to me and it was completely dark all around us. I remember telling her how great she looked and how happy she seemed and it made me feel so good. Then, I realized she had passed and said, “But aren’t you…?” and I woke up.
    I’m not sure what I believe about these “dreams”, but I find them interesting and comforting, at the very least.

  2. Laura said,

    May 22, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Hi Sara, I’m Tom and Cindy’s niece on their other side of the family. Christina shared your blog with me, and I although I never usually comment on things, I felt the need to on this post. My mom (Cindy’s older sister) died suddenly last October, and although the loss is very, very different, I think there are common threads of the grief experience.

    I have had more dreams about my Mom that I can count and I am certain that they are her communicating with me. Some are fuzzy, but most are incredibly vivid and detailed, to the point that I simply can’t ignore them. I can tell you that the bond between mother and daughter most certainly does transcend death. You will continue to love Lucy, and feel love from her. I find myself looking forward to when I may dream about my mom…I usually wake up feeling like I have spent time with her. It’s very comforting.

    My heart aches for all that you are going through right now…one day at a time…sometimes one hour, one minute at a time. You and your family are loved, and I am praying for you all.

    • kittymomma said,

      May 22, 2013 at 9:26 am

      Laura, I remember you and your mom and your family. She was one of the sweetest ladies I ever met and I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience. It helps.

  3. Laurie said,

    May 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I am a believer in Christ and know God comforts us with dreams and events we experience. When my first heart-bonded golden died, and was buried at Lanebrook, that night I saw from my upstairs window a white dog run through my front yard and I instantly knew it was a sign from God that all was at peace. It shook me up and I have never known a loose white dog in our neighborhood as I am the Pet Registry chair and know all of our dogs. But seeing that dog in the wee sma’s gave me such comfort. I have not experienced anything like that with Reilly’s recent death but I’m not at Lanebrook where he is buried either. I believe God comforts us in so many ways, through your holding Lucy’s sleeper, through Chris’s gentle removal of it, and even through your dreams of her. I don’t think I ever told you, Sara, but I lost my middle brother to suicide in 1980. He was in a bluegrass band with our older brother and he was one semester from an engineering degree from GA Tech. Our older brother had been diagnosed with a glioblastoma in the brain and was given six months to live. Robin took his life from carbon dioxide poisoning in his deep depression. Our older brother rallied and lived another 10 years. I thought my mother had to be the strongest woman alive to withstand deaths of her two sons. But it was her deep belief in God that allowed her to go on…and the fact that she KNEW she would see her boys again. And on her deathbed from Parkinson’s I whispered to her that she would soon see them and I believe she did. Her strong faith was passed on to me and I watched her live a life of service to others even though her heart was breaking. It made a strong impression on me to face my hardships in life, like infertility, losing two brothers, my mom and then my dad at 93. And my beloved goldens. I truly believe our lived ones will be there to help us transition to heaven because I believe God is that good to us. I believe our dreams are comfort to us in the time we have on this earth until we go home. My mom believed this and so do I. I truly think God is comforting you with Lucy’s sleeper, with Chris’s gentle removal and even singing ‘Let Me Call You Sweetheart’ with Max. You are doing the right thing by leaning on Him because there’s nothing else. Remember the Walton’s episode The Search when Olivia, Jim Bob and Elizabeth were lost and Grandma and the girls were oraying for them. Erin asked Grandma how can she have faith that they were okay and she replied, ‘Because there’s nothing else!’ And that is so true. All we have is faith but if we don’t have that, what do we have? Nothing. So believe…it can’t hurt and it could mean the world to your son to pass on that kind of faith. It did to me. I love you, Sara!!

  4. Amanda Himes said,

    May 22, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I’ve dreamed about my dead grandparents a number of times over the years. Usually, they provide some kind of direction that I need. I dream about my mom’s mom quite a bit, and even more about her house in Crestview, Florida. That place was a tremendous refuge for me growing up, and I think I must still need it and the comfort of my grandparents, even now.

  5. Lesley McLaughlin said,

    May 22, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I have dreamed of close friends and family members after they have died. I have dreamt of both my grandmothers, and a close friend who was quadriplegic and died due to complications of minor surgery. When I dreamt of this friend, in my dream he could walk and he was free of his wheelchair. I found the dreams comforting and I always felt it was a message from them to me because I felt so deeply for them and mourned their loss tremendously.

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