Letter to Max at eighteen months

February 23, 2011 at 11:12 pm (Max)

Dear Max,

Found:

one personalized storybook at the bottom of the hamper

A Munchie Mug lid in a tote bag

A set of clean, folded bedsheets at the bottom of the dirty towel hamper

A pacifier on my closet shelf

A set of rhythm sticks where my flats should have been

About eighteen months ago, I usually knew where things were at any given moment. Now there are (mostly) delightful surprises lurking everywhere. And I wouldn’t change it for anything.

The most amazing development the past few months has been in your ability to communicate. All of a sudden, you actually say words and phrases we understand and we can answer you! We’ve actually had a few conversational exchanges.

You also mimic most words you hear. So far, this has not been a problem. It is just adorable and hilarious. You just learned how to say, “Why?” You also know how to say “hello”, “night-night”, “kitty cat”, “shoe”, and “meow”. You have a few funny exclamations in your arsenal “Oh, my!”, “Oh, no”, and “Oh, shoot” among them. In fact, every time we do anything that displeases you lately you say, “Oh, no, no, no” in the most pathetic voice. You say so many cute, funny, smart things. You amaze and amuse us constantly.

You learned how to kiss about a week ago. We ask you to send us a kiss and you make a kissing noise with your mouth. Funnily enough, when we actually get you to kiss us, you still do the open-mouthed toddler kiss. Either way, we can’t get enough.

You are walking up a storm. You started at the beginning of December. You’re not running yet, but you tirelessly toddle everywhere and hardly ever are still, unless you are in your booster seat, your crib, your carseat, or standing right in front of the TV. You love to watch “Sesame Street”, “Max and Ruby”, “Yo Gabba Gabba!”, and “The Biscuit Brothers”.

You have been a big reader for several months now. Well, you love to be read to, but I can tell you know some of the stories. You love “Potty” by Leslie Patricelli and several “Max and Ruby” books. (That’s what led us to the TV show.) You also still love the “Llama Llama” books by Anna Dewdney and a new favorite is “Too Many Cats”, which Nana bought for you during a recent visit. (Thanks, Nana!)

I have been sick all week and you started running a fever yesterday,  but that hasn’t stopped us from having a memorable week. On Monday, I let you experiment with an almost full container of Yo Toddler yogurt. I don’t know what possessed me, because I have never let you do that before, but it suddenly seemed like a good idea. I’ve worried that I am too careful and am holding you back from learning to feed yourself as fast as you otherwise might. I don’t know how much you learned from this session, but it sure was fun.

You had a BLAST. We both did. And it reminded me that we need to let loose and explore and make a mess every now and then, because it is so much fun and it leads to more fun at times. In this instance, it led to us taking a bath together in the big bathtub in Mommy and Daddy’s bathroom. We hadn’t done that in months. And I am so glad we did. Once again, we had a blast. You discovered that it is awesome fun to hold your hand right under the faucet while the water is running and spray water all over the bathroom. And my heart melted when you gazed up at me and smiled adoringly while I was washing your hair.

We broke from our routine last Monday and had one of our happiest mornings in recent memory, despite the fact that I felt sick as a dog. Making you happy made me so happy. I hope I can remember to break the routine and the rules a little more often and experience the crazy side of life with you as much as possible.

Here’s to eighteen months of life outside the womb for you, Max, and eighteen months as parents for me and Daddy! Eighteen months as a family! What an achievement! I am so proud of us and of you. I love you, sweetheart.

Love, Mama

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Belle

January 23, 2011 at 4:49 pm (Belle)

On an October day in 2002, I drove to my sister-in-law’s parents’ house to pick up my new kitten. Never having owned any pets besides fish before, I was scared I wouldn’t like being a pet-owner and would let this little creature down. I was the kid who was afraid of dogs for most of my childhood. I had never held a cat or a dog before.

We reached the house and walked to the front door, passing a cage on the way there with a tiny white kitten in it. She was standing there by herself, looking forlorn. I remember thinking, “I hope my kitty is like that one.”

A few minutes later, Laurie’s mom handed that very same kitten to me and said, “Here’s your kitty.”

I stared down at her, shocked to see her clinging to my sweater with her little claws. She stared up at me wide-eyed. I hastily handed her to my brother.

Not the most auspicious sounding beginning, but it was the start of eight and a half wonderful years together. Later that same evening, I sat in the rocker with my kitten on my lap and watched her stretch out on her back in perfect bliss, a kitty smile on her face, as I petted her. “This”, I thought to myself, “is going to be pretty cool.”

She was an amazing cat. Adorable, playful. She wasn’t loud, she didn’t bite or scratch. She barely shed and she only had one or two accidents when she was little. After a rough first trip, she became a champion traveler and went with me every time I went home to visit my parents. My mom and everyone else in the family fell in love with her. In fact, she is at least partly responsible for saving the lives of six other cats – my mom’s three, my other two, and my sister’s cat. She was so special that she converted people who hadn’t liked cats before.

I was so happy with my Belle-cat. I bought her presents, spent hours petting her, made up songs for her. No, I’m really not kidding about that last one. It was like “Gilmore Girls” except that one of us was a cat. It was just the two of us and we were just fine with that.

It took me several months to really let myself fall in love with her, but she brightened my world right away. After deliberating for two weeks, I finally named her “Belle”, having gotten the idea from a commercial for the new “Beauty and the Beast” DVD. A name meaning “beauty” fit such a beautiful cat. She was a chocolate point Siamese mix, mostly white at the beginning with her tiny face dominated by a big, black nose. However, it had taken me so long to name her that she thought her name was “Baby”. It took her a while to respond to her real name, but she always responded to “Baby” or “Baby kitty”.

Belle loved to watch the printer.

I was going through a very dark, difficult period and Belle helped me begin to dig my way out of it. It had been years since I had had anyone to come home to, anyone to take care of. She would come running when I came home from school and leap in to my arms purring. She would sit next to me on the counter when I put my makeup on in the morning. She sat on the edge of the tub (and drank the water) when I took a bath and curled up with me at night. I saw her face first thing in the morning and last thing every night.

On December 17, 2010, she died. The vet agreed it was best to bring her home and we were together. It was just the two of us at the beginning and at the end.

I’ve been trying for over a month to write about it and I still don’t really seem to have the words. My husband was gone on a business trip and she became very ill right after he left. So, I spent several days dragging my poor toddler to emergency vets and our regular vet, spending hours desperately trying to amuse him and spend time with my girl, knowing every visit and good-bye could be our last and knowing she deserved better. Wondering why this was the ending we were getting after eight and a half wonderful years. Wondering why we only got eight and a half years. Wondering why my poor girl was getting such a difficult ending. Blaming myself for not getting her help sooner.

The guilt and grief made the first days and weeks very difficult. But I know Belle loved me and I did the best I could under very difficult circumstances.

She was my first pet and she was a beautiful gift during a terrible time in my life. She helped bring me out of the darkness. Through her, I discovered my love of animals, especially cats. I am so blessed to have had her in my life and to still have my love for her and memories of her in my heart. Memories of her little black tail curling to a point when she wrapped it around her as she slept. Of her sleeping like a human baby in my arms when she was a baby. Of her falling in the toilet and looking at me like it was my fault. Of her wiping her paws before she left the litterbox. Of the gentle way she would push your hand away if she didn’t want to be petted, rather than bite or scratch. She was my only lap kitty, out of three cats, and she never gave up trying to sit there, not even when I was nine months pregnant, or nursing, or writing on my laptop.

Thank you for your unconditional love, Belle. You changed my life. Know that I will always love you and will miss you forever. I am grateful and honored to have been your kittymomma.

Belle hiding behind my legs.

Belle with Max when he was a newborn.

Belle with Chris.

Belle and me in 2003.

Belle with me three weeks before Max was born.

 

Belle with her "brothers" Fort and Angus

Belle loved her kitty tree.

Belle's favorite sleeping spot - the couch.

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Just finished reading (with Max)

January 3, 2011 at 11:10 pm (Books, Max)

Big Little by Leslie Patricelli

We love this book. I have now added everything she has ever written to Max’s wishlist on Amazon. Because I am obsessive-compulsive and addictive like that.

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Argh! I want a second baby so bad!

October 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm (Babies)

I finally have to be honest and admit it to myself. I want a second baby. Yes, already. My first is almost fifteen months and I already want another one. I’ve wanted another one since he was tiny, but it was an abstract, vague longing.

Not so much anymore. All of the signs are there. I think about it a lot. I am jealous of moms pregnant with their second or third and so on. (Well, most of the time. There were two moms pregnant with their second in Max’s music class the other day and I wasn’t jealous at all.) I am watching “A Baby Story” again. I half hope I won’t get my period some months.

But I don’t think it’s time. I know Chris isn’t quite ready, although he’s being very understanding with my talking about the next one quite a bit. I’m frustrated because I don’t quite understand my feelings. I’m not sure whether I want another baby now or I’m just looking forward to the time when we will be ready and go for it. Do I really want one now and am just ashamed to admit it, because I know some people will think I’m crazy? Or am I just looking forward to it like Christmas – it will be so awesome when it gets here, but it’s not quite time yet.

I’ve always liked a challenge, so that might be one reason I feel ready for another now. I’ve also been known to bite off more than I can chew occasionally, although I pretty much always come through and achieve my goals. I’m not a procrastinator anymore, so I’m not so worried about biting off more than I can chew.

Plus, I just love kids. I always imagined myself having several close together. The reality of motherhood has changed that desire a little bit, but I don’t know if I really want to let it go. I might still want that.

Things are just so perfect with Max right now, though. It is challenging and I get tired, but he is just so cute and sweet and fun. I love him more than everyday. He really is wonderful and keeps my life full and I feel slightly guilty for wanting more, like he’s not enough or something. I know that’s silly, but I feel it anyway.

Plus, I’ve just started to feel like me again the past few months. I tend to suffer from anxiety and it was exacerbated by the postpartum hormones. However, I’ve gotten my day-to-day anxiety under control. I feel better than I have in a decade probably. I really don’t think the depression and anxiety and insomnia will happen next time. And, if they do, I’m not going to suffer like I did last time. I’ll stop nursing or do whatever I have to do, so I can take Unisom or whatever so I won’t be going crazy from sleep deprivation and trying to take care of two kids at the same time.

So, I feel like me again and I also feel like I’m much more on top of things as a mom. So, of course, I want to upend everything! You know, for funsies! For shits and giggles! I have trouble just leaving things alone and enjoying them as they are. But is it that or do I truly want another one right now??

Finally, I really don’t want to rush Chris. I want us both to be happy and excited about it. And I don’t think he’s there yet. Which is totally understandable. We’ve been through so much the past few years. We’ve had a lot of big changes back to back. We got together, we moved in together four months later, we got engaged seven months after that, got married six months after that, and got pregnant nine months later. Max was born 17 months in to our marriage and we moved when he was almost eight months old. It’s only been seven months since we moved. Maybe we need a little more downtime. In fact, I’m almost sure we do.

Right now, I’m just trying to be patient with myself and take it day-to-day, seeing how I feel. I’m so glad to get this off my chest, though. For some reason, I felt like it was a dirty little secret to possibly want a second baby already. But it’s not. I am going to be honest and just say it – I think I want another one, if not now, soon. But I don’t know when it will happen. And I’m not completely sure of my feelings so …. thoughts? Perspectives from moms who already have two or more? From dads? I do feel like I’m going a little crazy trying to analyze my feelings here sometimes.

One thing I do know – it will be crazy and hard, but it will be amazing when we have another child. We’ll wonder how we ever lived without him or her. I know that even all of you who are reading this and thinking I’m crazy right now are also thinking that deep down. Being a mom is amazing. And I can’t wait to do it all over again.

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A mother’s son

September 29, 2010 at 11:03 pm (Uncategorized)

I keep thinking about his mother.

How she must be beating herself up. Wondering where she went wrong. Perhaps even resenting her son for ending his life after she worked so hard to give it to him.

I keep thinking about a city I love and the University that is beloved by practically everyone in it. A University I’ve come to respect and appreciate.

I keep thinking about how I’d been planning to go to that library with my 1-year-old son to get a book these past few weeks. How I might have gone this week if I hadn’t been out of town visiting my own mother.

I keep thinking about the rage I would feel if anyone ever tried to take my son from me. The rage I would feel if he ever endangered or took someone else’s precious life.

And this is probably a weird point to dwell on, but the fact that it all ended in a library – Libraries have always been sanctuaries for me. Books were a safe world for me to escape to. School was safe. It still should be.

I’m angry at him and I feel sorry for him. And I am just so, so grateful no one else was hurt.

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I love Garbage

September 18, 2010 at 9:58 pm (Music)

I’m talking about the band. Do y’all remember them? Man, they were awesome. They’re the only band I ever liked where I also liked all their albums.

There’s just something sexy and dangerous about their music, so I don’t listen to it around Max. When I run errands by myself, though, I totally rock out. I don’t care if people see me singing in the car or dancing. I’m a good car-dancer.

They’re one of those bands that take me back the minute I hear certain songs. I hear “Stupid Girl” and I remember the family vacation at Gulf Shores the summer between junior and senior year of high school. (I think that was the last of our family beach vacations.) MTV was banned in my hometown, despite the fact that VH-1 was available and showing the same videos that had gotten MTV banned in the first place. So, the first thing my brother, sister, and I did upon arrival at the beach was flip on the TV and find MTV. The ocean could wait.

I hear “Push It” and it takes me back to sophomore year at A&M. That song was such a great stress-reliever. I would leave class and drive in the car listening to it, yelling and pounding the steering wheel.

Their third album didn’t really have a standout song for me. I just liked the whole thing.

Their fourth album came out the year I moved to Austin. I found out the band had broken up and got back together to finish that album. And it was amazing. I can’t listen to it without remembering that first year in Austin, finally out of school, finally living in a real city, finally breaking free of the person I had tried to be because I was afraid of the real world.

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Feeding kids is good

September 18, 2010 at 9:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I almost bought one of the new “Formula Powered” onesies at Old Navy today. I am that disgusted by the uproar and the threats to boycott Old Navy, Gap, Banana Republic, and Piperlime over it. Can you say “overreaction”?

I decided not to buy one because Max is no longer on formula and because, while I think there is nothing wrong with feeding your child formula, I guess I don’t want to shout it from the rooftops. I’m not exactly pro-formula. I guess I am pro-breastfeeding, but really I am just pro-FEEDING kids. Which is all that matters.

I am a little ashamed to admit that a desire to avoid possible confrontations with overzealous pro-breastfeeders was another reason I put the onesie back on the rack. I didn’t think I would be brave enough to actually dress Max in it. I am actually afraid that someone will take me to task in public over it. And I don’t want to deal with that, especially in front of my kid. (Not to mention that it cost 10 dollars instead of the 5 quoted online. A little much for something I don’t like that he probably won’t wear.)

The breastfeeding extremists are actually hurting their cause. Extremism always does. What are mothers supposed to do who can’t breastfeed? What about single fathers? Not everyone has access to a milk bank or to a kind, healthy, nursing mother willing to share her milk. I do actually think that breast milk is healthier. But I don’t think formula is bad. Are we supposed to go back to the pre-formula days where babies without access to breast milk just died??

I nursed my son for seven months. I am glad I did. But it was really hard at first. I used to gaze at formula with a mixture of revulsion and longing. I had been so brainwashed to think that formula was evil, that I was a bad mother if I let him have formula for even one feeding when I was capable of nursing.

My son was “formula powered” from 7 months until about a week ago when he started taking just whole milk. Does that make me a bad mother? Hell, no. And the next time I have a child, I will nurse and I will probably pump. However, I will also let my husband give him or her formula occasionally, so that I can get more than three hours of sleep at a time. And I will refuse to feel bad about it.

Breastfeeding is amazing. I was sorry to quit. I still remember the tenderness of the last time when Max fell asleep in my arms while nursing. It breaks my heart that I will never experience that with him again. Mothers should be encouraged to at least think about it, to try it. Mothers should be able to nurse in public without fear of being consigned to a public bathroom (Do YOU want to eat in there? I’m talking to you, IKEA.) or cover up. (It is sweltering and uncomfortable for both mother and baby underneath those covers. Especially in summer.) Americans really need to get over their discomfort. If you want the future of America raised on breast milk, you need to get comfortable with seeing it real quick.

It makes absolutely no sense to say these onesies are “a cruel slap in the face” to nursing moms. How??? Many babies eat formula, for one reason or another. Since when do nursing moms get a voice and formula-feeding moms do not? Censorship and oppression are not going to help the image of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding should not be hidden as if it’s dirty. Neither should formula-feeding. Feeding babies is never dirty. Just feed your kids and let everybody else feed theirs.

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Crankiness loves company

September 17, 2010 at 11:03 pm (Food, Max)

Oh, today. Crabby, rainy, impatient-with-my-child today. Max was a handful today. I’m not sure if he was cranky because I was cranky or I was cranky because he was cranky. Or both. Either way, he was climbing on, grabbing at, and occasionally biting both me and the cats.

I was pretty impatient with him a few times. I’m human and it’s frustrating when I’m trying to cut his nails so he won’t hurt himself and he cries and writhes like I’m trying to cut his fingers OFF. Even “The Biscuit Brothers” didn’t completely distract him. I guess I shouldn’t have been trying to cut his nails right before his nap, but there never seems to be a good time to do these chores. He’s always about to take a nap or eat or we have to get out the door.

Speaking of food – this has not been a easy week. The vomit I have cleaned up. Max threw up three meals in a row on Monday and Tuesday, so I felt I had to take him to the doctor even though he didn’t seem sick. He’s not. We just had to go back to feeding him one, smaller bite at a time. Just when I had gotten to where I could put a small amount of food on his tray and let him go to it and not have to feed him every. single. bite. Sigh.

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Max the genius

September 17, 2010 at 10:28 pm (Books, Max)

I asked Max at naptime what book he wanted to read for “night-night”. He not only handed me a book, it was his Sesame Street “Nighty-Night” book! He’s only thirteen months old! He’s a genius.

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Let’s talk about sex … or not

September 16, 2010 at 10:31 pm (Max, television)

I turned on a rerun of “Friends” earlier today. I don’t watch that show much anymore, since I have seen most of the episodes a million times and I have all of the seasons on DVD. However, I thought it might be a harmless way to decompress for a few minutes between finishing Max’s bottle and starting his dinner.

There were three sex jokes in the first few minutes we watched. Max probably doesn’t understand what he’s hearing and, even if he does, he doesn’t know what it means yet. But it made me really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to turn it off.

What’s the problem? I asked myself. You watched “Golden Girls” with your mom and grandparents every weekend when you were little. You watched “Roseanne” every single week. It all went over my head. I was shocked at the content when I starting watching the reruns in college. They’re not that racy by today’s standards certainly, but they are family shows and were on during the family hour. I don’t think it was wrong for my mom to let me watch them, so I wonder why I felt so uncomfortable with Max. (Of course, I was school-age, not a toddler.) Especially since I watch “The Golden Girls” around him with no problem. “Roseanne”, too. (Although I have gotten a bit fidgety during that one.) Does the sitcom format make it seem less serious? It’s a joke, so that makes it seem more appropriate. They’re not actually SHOWING sex, so that’s ok. Is it? (Just a note that I am talking about whether it’s ok for my son’s viewing. As far as I’m concerned the shows can do what they want. I don’t have to watch.)

I don’t think sex or talk about it is embarrassing and I don’t want to convey that impression to my son. He is only 13 months old, though. He’s too young for it. But he doesn’t notice the racy talk yet. And he probably won’t for a long time. And if he does, he’ll probably ask questions, which means he’s ready for some sort of honest answer. (Of course, there are degrees. A three-year-old doesn’t need as much detail as a six-year-old or a nine-year-old, etc.) Is it ok if they’re just talking about sex or joking about it? Is it ok if he doesn’t seem to notice it?

And while we’re on the subject, what is UP with the racy and/or violent commercials on family channels during family shows?? Yeah, I’m talking to you ABC Family.

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