Second Letter to Baby Farmer

November 16, 2011 at 1:22 pm (Lucy, Motherhood, Pregnancy)

Dear Lucy,

As you can probably tell from my greeting, a lot has happened since I last wrote to you. We found out you’re a girl. We named you Lucy Blythe. We’ve decorated a room with ladybugs (Well, started to.) and I went on a girl clothes shopping spree that involved buying way too many pairs of Hello Kitty leg warmers.

My dear friend Dawn, who I’m sure you’ll come to know well, hosted a sprinkle to celebrate your impending arrival. She also chose a ladybug theme and outdid herself. Quite a few of my friends came to celebrate you and the fact that I’m going to be a mommy again. And they brought some presents for you that include both the lovely and practical. :)

Our family has been sick for most of the month of October and we seem to be gunning for the record for November as well. I think Fort is the only one who hasn’t gotten sick. First it was a stomach virus, then Angus was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Then, your big brother got a cold that turned into croup followed swiftly by nasty hives that were caused by either an allergy or a virus. We’re not sure yet. In the middle of all that, I had a gestational diabetes scare.

I admit, all of this has made me somewhat nervous for your arrival and handling two kids, but I am still so excited to meet you. I can’t help it. And I know everything will be fine.

We are very lucky, little girl. Your father and I have found a wonderful community of friends to add to the wonderful family and friends we already had before we became parents. There are so many people waiting to welcome you and it’s not just because little girls are in the minority in our group. ;)

I can’t believe at this time next year, you will be almost a year old and ready to celebrate your first holiday season. I am so excited to introduce you to everyone and everything in our little world. We live in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood in what I think has to be one of the Top 10 Cities in the World. (I am biased, but Austin is pretty dang cool.) I hope you will love growing up here. I think you will.

We are going to attempt to move the crib out of your brother’s room pretty soon, so hopefully more progress will be made on your room. He has a new Thomas the Train bed he loves, so hopefully he will be willing to pass the crib on to you. I’m sure he will at some point. Never fear, though. You will have a place to sleep regardless.

We all love you, honey. See you in about 10 weeks.

Love, Mama

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First letter to Baby Farmer

September 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm (Motherhood)

Dear Baby-to-be,

Well, kiddo, we’ve almost made it to the halfway point. In a few days (five), we will know if you are a boy or a girl. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I cannot wait to see you on the ultrasound screen again, to pick out a name, and decorate a nursery. To just get to know you a tiny bit better. Despite the fact that you are with me all the time, you are such a mystery. A delightful mystery.

As I type this, I am watching “Anne of Green Gables” – my favorite movie based on my favorite book. Whatever your gender, I look forward to sharing both with you someday. In fact, I’m planning on seeing if I can get your big brother to watch some of it when he gets up from his nap.

I am looking forward to introducing you to your family. There are a lot of people waiting to meet you. You have a mommy (Obviously.), a daddy, and an older brother Max. You also have two cats, Angus and Fort. You have two sets of grandparents, three aunts, four uncles, and eight cousins, not to mention a whole host of other relatives. You even have three great-grandmothers.

We’re already weathering some storms together, including a nasty attack of sciatica that is probably not going to go away before you are born.

You are worth every bit of it, baby. I feel so bonded to you already and I think we need to give your big brother some credit for that. I know what it’s like to be a mom already, because I am one. So, I already feel like your mother and I am so excited and proud to have two babies to call my own.

As I mentioned before, you are a mystery. I have been going crazy waiting to find out your gender, but I have treasured this time of just loving you, free from any other knowledge or expectations. I know very little about you. The only contact we have had has consisted of the few precious times I’ve heard your heartbeat and the few, fluttering, nudgy movements I’ve felt the last few weeks. I feel like I know you, though. The pure essence of you. Your soul. I just know and love you, because you are you and you are mine. That’s all. That’s all I need.

I will always love you unconditionally. And I will love you more and more as I get to know you,which is why I am so ready to take this next step and find out more about you. To see you on that ultrasound screen again and see how much you’ve grown since the last one. I will always love you no matter what and that love will grow, but it will never again be quite as pure and uncomplicated as it is now. It will be better, albeit different, and I am ready to accept this change and get to know and love the complex person that you are – one new piece of information at a time.

I cannot wait to meet you, sweetheart. I cannot wait to see how you and your brother are alike and how you are different. I can’t believe I have the privilege of bringing another life in to this world. Whatever else you are, I know you will be wonderful – your own, unique kind of wonderful.

See you soon.

Love, Mommy

Your first picture! (10 week ultrasound)

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Letter to Max at two years

August 30, 2011 at 10:05 pm (Max)

Dearest Max,

You are amazing.

You enchant me everyday.

And it’s not just your beautiful smile and your kissable cheeks. You have grown so much this past year. All of a sudden you can count to ten (and count backwards from five in Spanish) and say the alphabet starting with h. You know so many letters by sight, too. The love affair with Elmo continues, but you have expanded your horizons to Winnie-the-Pooh (whom you insist on calling “Winnie Poop”) and Dumbo. “Max and Ruby” is your absolute favorite show right now, even though you also enjoy “The Backyardigans”, “Clifford the Big Red Dog”, “Curious George”, “Yo Gabba Gabba”, and “Sesame Street”. “Ponyo” was your favorite movie until recently. You haven’t been asking for it lately. In fact, your dad and I took you to see it at the Alamo Kids Club this summer. That was your first time in a theater since I took you to Baby Day to see “Whip It!” when you were two months old.

You don’t have a clear favorite with books right now. You like them all. You were a bit obsessed with the “Harold” books for awhile, but you aren’t asking for them quite as much these days.

I love the way you say, “Mommy”. You have started calling for me when you wake up in the morning and from naps and I have to restrain myself from running in to your room sometimes.

I can’t believe you are already two-years-old. The first year of your life went by rather slowly sometimes, but the second year … it FLEW. And what a year it’s been.

We went to the beach.

You visited Albuquerque (Daddy’s hometown) for the first time.

You learned to walk on your own last December.

You can talk a mile a minute and repeat virtually everything you hear, but also be the quietest kid I’ve ever been around.

You give kisses and hugs.

You learned to say “Don’t worry, be happy”.

You sing along in the car and have also started singing in music class a bit.

You are learning to play nicely with the kitties.

We had your second birthday party. Elmo was a strong presence, of course, but this was your first party with friends of your own. Although you were overwhelmed by the guests at first, you ended up having a blast.

So many people love you, Max, simply because you are you. You are sweet and smart. You have a good memory. You keep trying when you want to figure something out.

You are starting to test your limits a bit and trying to be more independent. You love to help unload the dishwasher and the dryer and to throw your diapers away in the trash can and the Diaper Champ. You are actually quite good at cleaning out the lint trap. I have really improved my time unloading the dishwasher because I have to grab the dishes before you let go and reach for the next one!

You just started your first swim class without me and you might be starting a Mother’s Day Out program soon. You’ve been to two Super Waterbaby classes so far and you’ve done so wonderfully. The first time you cried most of the time, but the second class you only cried a couple of times. You are so brave. You stuck it out even though you didn’t understand why Mommy wasn’t with you or why you were in a different part of the pool with a different teacher. You did a six-second swim in class this week and are doing very well with kicking your legs in the water. The smile you get on your face when you emerge from the water, when you know you’ve conquered something you were afraid of, melts my heart.

You are still so well-behaved. You have been showing some signs of stubbornness and have thrown a few fits, but you are mostly a sweet, easygoing kid.

It has been an interesting summer. We have had about 75 straight days of triple-digit temperatures with no rain. Between that and Mommy being pregnant, we haven’t gotten out to the park more than once or been able to play outside much at all. We have made it to the pool a few times and used your wading pool, but there has been more TV-watching in the house than I would like. But at least I get  to cuddle with you while we watch sometimes. And we do make it out to the backyard to play with your swing and your slide some mornings before it gets too hot.

Before you were born, Max, I remember being a little worried about having a son. I did not have much experience with little boys at all before you and I wondered whether I had what it took to be a good mother to a little boy. I was never a tomboy. In fact, I am a feminist and I worried that that would come across to you as man-hating or keep you from feeling proud of being a man. It amazes me the number of jokes and negative conversational tropes that have become commonplace in conversation about men. Being your mother has made me more aware of that and has changed me for the better. I never want you to feel anything less than proud of being a man and being yourself. I promise that I will do everything in my power to help you with that.

Only time will tell if I am doing a good job as your mom, but I can’t believe I ever worried about having a son. You are sweet, adorable, fun, and just plain wonderful and I have a blast being with you. I never thought I would have fun racing cars on the floor, but I do. Also, buying clothes for you has been much more fun than I was led to believe it would be! I love dressing you up and buying you things I know you will like. The “monster” shirt and dino Converse I bought for you this week are already a big hit.

You are my little pal and almost-constant companion and I don’t know what I’d do without you. You will always be my special, wonderful, amazing firstborn who changed my life. You turned me in to a mom. I have benefited so much from having you in my life and your new sibling is going to benefit from you breaking me in. ;) I just hope I can pass those benefits on to you and your brother or sister as you grow. I will never stop trying to be the best mother I can be to you and to set the best example I can. I love you so much, my sweet boom.

Love, Mommy

 

 

 

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Grandpa

August 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm (Death, Family, Life, Relationships)

My grandfather, Tom Lowder, died on July 9 of this year. He was born August 14, 1923, in Lake West, Oklahoma. He grew up the youngest of seven during the Great Depression, losing his father when he was only 2-years-old. He fought in World War II, earning three bronze battle stars. He raised five kids, while working for the Sohio Oil Company for 43 years, retiring in 1985.

He was a success professionally and personally. He never went to college, but he worked his way up to regional superintendent of the Sohio Oil Company. When he retired, they named a building after him.

He worked hard and played hard. He loved his family and life more than anything. Two of his other passions were music and tending his yard, both of which he indulged to his heart’s content after he retired and in his spare time before that. I like to think I inherited my love of music from him. Many people in our family love music, but he LOVED it. And so do I. Some of his favorites were the Bee Gees, Frank Sinatra, and Neil Diamond. My earliest memories are to a soundtrack of Barry Manilow, the Bee Gees, the Pointer Sisters, Wham. Grandpa had the most eclectic musical taste of any grandfather I ever knew. He loved that I liked some of his favorites, like Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, and would willingly lend me CDs or make copies. I always felt proud when I liked something he liked or introduced him to something new he liked. In fact, one of my proudest moments was when he told me the CD Chris and I made as a gift for out-of-town guests at our wedding was “great”. That made my day.

We also shared a love of Humphrey Bogart and old movies in general. I gave him a copy of “The African Queen” for one of his birthdays. Again, it was a proud moment, because he was hard to buy for. He invited me over to watch it with him and we watched it together on his big screen TV. I felt very lucky that, even as a college kid, I still had interests in common with Grandpa and enjoyed hanging out with him.

He was renowned for his yard, which had beautiful azaleas and crepe myrtles. He was very protective of it, to the point where most of the family was afraid to park in the driveway for fear of accidentally driving over the grass! I never risked it until I was in college.

He was meticulous about his appearance, never appearing for breakfast until he was completely dressed and ready for the day. In fact, my mom said that they had to wait to open their presents on Christmas morning until he was dressed. While I do not get dressed first thing, I like to think I take forever getting ready because I take after him. :)

He always made me feel so special. He was always so excited to see me and even at the end, his face still lit up when I came in the room. I talked to him on the phone for the last time three days before he died. Even though he was so weak, he still said, “Helloooo, Sara” as cheerily as he ever had.

I know he was proud of me, but I want so much to live up to being his granddaughter. I want to live life with the gusto he did, to enjoy it as much as he did. To have such a positive impact on so many lives. He is so loved and respected, so greatly missed.

I learned so much from him and I am more determined than ever to make him proud. In honor of Grandpa, I am going to love life, live it fearlessly, and never let anything break me. He never let anything break him, not the Depression, or World War II. Not even having his wife and half of his children precede him in death. He kept going through it all and his smile always came back.

I am grateful I had him for 32 years. He was at my graduations and my wedding. He knew my son Max and was there for his first Christmas and his first birthday. He knew there was going to be another baby. I am so grateful for all of that.

I wish my son and his new sibling had a chance to play with Grandpa on the floor. I wish they had known what it was like to nestle into the crook of his arm in the red leather armchair and watch the evening news and Looney Tunes. I wish he wasn’t gone.

But every time I sing, he lives.

Every time my nephew Thomas dances to Neil Diamond, he lives.

Every time I look at my son’s face, he lives.

Every time azaleas bloom, he lives.

Every time a family member retells one of Grandpa’s corny jokes, he lives.

I am the granddaughter of an extraordinary man. For the first 14 years of my life, he was a father to me as well as a grandfather. Thank you so much for your humor, your grace, and your zest for life, Grandpa. Thank you for the example you set and for your love. Thank you for everything.

Grandpa as a little boy

Grandpa as a young man

A professional photo with my grandmother. I used to stare at this for hours as a little girl.

One of Grandpa's favorite poses

Posing on the boat at Kentucky Lake

I love his smile in this one.

Leaning on Grandma

With my mom

Enjoying music with Uncle Bill and Mom

With me as a baby

Playing with me on the floor

Happy to see my Grandpa

Telling Santa (Uncle Ben) what he wants for Christmas. It was usually his two front teeth. :)

Celebrating his catch with Uncle Don

With my brother Chase in the red leather armchair

Cutting the cake with Tiny at their wedding reception given by the family after they eloped.

With me at my high school graduation. I don't remember why he had the neck brace.

With Chris and me at our wedding

With Max at his first Christmas

With Max at his first birthday party

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Max’s law

February 28, 2011 at 11:00 pm (Life, Max, Toddlers)

Today was going to be simple.

But then there were three nap attempts, only one of which was successful.

A food sample was spat in to a shopping cart.

There were cherry tomatoes all over the floor of the floral department at HEB.

And I just stepped in prune that somehow escaped our cleanup after Max’s dinner.

We plan, our toddlers laugh.

 

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Letter to Max at eighteen months

February 23, 2011 at 11:12 pm (Max)

Dear Max,

Found:

one personalized storybook at the bottom of the hamper

A Munchie Mug lid in a tote bag

A set of clean, folded bedsheets at the bottom of the dirty towel hamper

A pacifier on my closet shelf

A set of rhythm sticks where my flats should have been

About eighteen months ago, I usually knew where things were at any given moment. Now there are (mostly) delightful surprises lurking everywhere. And I wouldn’t change it for anything.

The most amazing development the past few months has been in your ability to communicate. All of a sudden, you actually say words and phrases we understand and we can answer you! We’ve actually had a few conversational exchanges.

You also mimic most words you hear. So far, this has not been a problem. It is just adorable and hilarious. You just learned how to say, “Why?” You also know how to say “hello”, “night-night”, “kitty cat”, “shoe”, and “meow”. You have a few funny exclamations in your arsenal “Oh, my!”, “Oh, no”, and “Oh, shoot” among them. In fact, every time we do anything that displeases you lately you say, “Oh, no, no, no” in the most pathetic voice. You say so many cute, funny, smart things. You amaze and amuse us constantly.

You learned how to kiss about a week ago. We ask you to send us a kiss and you make a kissing noise with your mouth. Funnily enough, when we actually get you to kiss us, you still do the open-mouthed toddler kiss. Either way, we can’t get enough.

You are walking up a storm. You started at the beginning of December. You’re not running yet, but you tirelessly toddle everywhere and hardly ever are still, unless you are in your booster seat, your crib, your carseat, or standing right in front of the TV. You love to watch “Sesame Street”, “Max and Ruby”, “Yo Gabba Gabba!”, and “The Biscuit Brothers”.

You have been a big reader for several months now. Well, you love to be read to, but I can tell you know some of the stories. You love “Potty” by Leslie Patricelli and several “Max and Ruby” books. (That’s what led us to the TV show.) You also still love the “Llama Llama” books by Anna Dewdney and a new favorite is “Too Many Cats”, which Nana bought for you during a recent visit. (Thanks, Nana!)

I have been sick all week and you started running a fever yesterday,  but that hasn’t stopped us from having a memorable week. On Monday, I let you experiment with an almost full container of Yo Toddler yogurt. I don’t know what possessed me, because I have never let you do that before, but it suddenly seemed like a good idea. I’ve worried that I am too careful and am holding you back from learning to feed yourself as fast as you otherwise might. I don’t know how much you learned from this session, but it sure was fun.

You had a BLAST. We both did. And it reminded me that we need to let loose and explore and make a mess every now and then, because it is so much fun and it leads to more fun at times. In this instance, it led to us taking a bath together in the big bathtub in Mommy and Daddy’s bathroom. We hadn’t done that in months. And I am so glad we did. Once again, we had a blast. You discovered that it is awesome fun to hold your hand right under the faucet while the water is running and spray water all over the bathroom. And my heart melted when you gazed up at me and smiled adoringly while I was washing your hair.

We broke from our routine last Monday and had one of our happiest mornings in recent memory, despite the fact that I felt sick as a dog. Making you happy made me so happy. I hope I can remember to break the routine and the rules a little more often and experience the crazy side of life with you as much as possible.

Here’s to eighteen months of life outside the womb for you, Max, and eighteen months as parents for me and Daddy! Eighteen months as a family! What an achievement! I am so proud of us and of you. I love you, sweetheart.

Love, Mama

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Belle

January 23, 2011 at 4:49 pm (Belle)

On an October day in 2002, I drove to my sister-in-law’s parents’ house to pick up my new kitten. Never having owned any pets besides fish before, I was scared I wouldn’t like being a pet-owner and would let this little creature down. I was the kid who was afraid of dogs for most of my childhood. I had never held a cat or a dog before.

We reached the house and walked to the front door, passing a cage on the way there with a tiny white kitten in it. She was standing there by herself, looking forlorn. I remember thinking, “I hope my kitty is like that one.”

A few minutes later, Laurie’s mom handed that very same kitten to me and said, “Here’s your kitty.”

I stared down at her, shocked to see her clinging to my sweater with her little claws. She stared up at me wide-eyed. I hastily handed her to my brother.

Not the most auspicious sounding beginning, but it was the start of eight and a half wonderful years together. Later that same evening, I sat in the rocker with my kitten on my lap and watched her stretch out on her back in perfect bliss, a kitty smile on her face, as I petted her. “This”, I thought to myself, “is going to be pretty cool.”

She was an amazing cat. Adorable, playful. She wasn’t loud, she didn’t bite or scratch. She barely shed and she only had one or two accidents when she was little. After a rough first trip, she became a champion traveler and went with me every time I went home to visit my parents. My mom and everyone else in the family fell in love with her. In fact, she is at least partly responsible for saving the lives of six other cats – my mom’s three, my other two, and my sister’s cat. She was so special that she converted people who hadn’t liked cats before.

I was so happy with my Belle-cat. I bought her presents, spent hours petting her, made up songs for her. No, I’m really not kidding about that last one. It was like “Gilmore Girls” except that one of us was a cat. It was just the two of us and we were just fine with that.

It took me several months to really let myself fall in love with her, but she brightened my world right away. After deliberating for two weeks, I finally named her “Belle”, having gotten the idea from a commercial for the new “Beauty and the Beast” DVD. A name meaning “beauty” fit such a beautiful cat. She was a chocolate point Siamese mix, mostly white at the beginning with her tiny face dominated by a big, black nose. However, it had taken me so long to name her that she thought her name was “Baby”. It took her a while to respond to her real name, but she always responded to “Baby” or “Baby kitty”.

Belle loved to watch the printer.

I was going through a very dark, difficult period and Belle helped me begin to dig my way out of it. It had been years since I had had anyone to come home to, anyone to take care of. She would come running when I came home from school and leap in to my arms purring. She would sit next to me on the counter when I put my makeup on in the morning. She sat on the edge of the tub (and drank the water) when I took a bath and curled up with me at night. I saw her face first thing in the morning and last thing every night.

On December 17, 2010, she died. The vet agreed it was best to bring her home and we were together. It was just the two of us at the beginning and at the end.

I’ve been trying for over a month to write about it and I still don’t really seem to have the words. My husband was gone on a business trip and she became very ill right after he left. So, I spent several days dragging my poor toddler to emergency vets and our regular vet, spending hours desperately trying to amuse him and spend time with my girl, knowing every visit and good-bye could be our last and knowing she deserved better. Wondering why this was the ending we were getting after eight and a half wonderful years. Wondering why we only got eight and a half years. Wondering why my poor girl was getting such a difficult ending. Blaming myself for not getting her help sooner.

The guilt and grief made the first days and weeks very difficult. But I know Belle loved me and I did the best I could under very difficult circumstances.

She was my first pet and she was a beautiful gift during a terrible time in my life. She helped bring me out of the darkness. Through her, I discovered my love of animals, especially cats. I am so blessed to have had her in my life and to still have my love for her and memories of her in my heart. Memories of her little black tail curling to a point when she wrapped it around her as she slept. Of her sleeping like a human baby in my arms when she was a baby. Of her falling in the toilet and looking at me like it was my fault. Of her wiping her paws before she left the litterbox. Of the gentle way she would push your hand away if she didn’t want to be petted, rather than bite or scratch. She was my only lap kitty, out of three cats, and she never gave up trying to sit there, not even when I was nine months pregnant, or nursing, or writing on my laptop.

Thank you for your unconditional love, Belle. You changed my life. Know that I will always love you and will miss you forever. I am grateful and honored to have been your kittymomma.

Belle hiding behind my legs.

Belle with Max when he was a newborn.

Belle with Chris.

Belle and me in 2003.

Belle with me three weeks before Max was born.

 

Belle with her "brothers" Fort and Angus

Belle loved her kitty tree.

Belle's favorite sleeping spot - the couch.

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Just finished reading (with Max)

January 3, 2011 at 11:10 pm (Books, Max)

Big Little by Leslie Patricelli

We love this book. I have now added everything she has ever written to Max’s wishlist on Amazon. Because I am obsessive-compulsive and addictive like that.

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Argh! I want a second baby so bad!

October 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm (Babies)

I finally have to be honest and admit it to myself. I want a second baby. Yes, already. My first is almost fifteen months and I already want another one. I’ve wanted another one since he was tiny, but it was an abstract, vague longing.

Not so much anymore. All of the signs are there. I think about it a lot. I am jealous of moms pregnant with their second or third and so on. (Well, most of the time. There were two moms pregnant with their second in Max’s music class the other day and I wasn’t jealous at all.) I am watching “A Baby Story” again. I half hope I won’t get my period some months.

But I don’t think it’s time. I know Chris isn’t quite ready, although he’s being very understanding with my talking about the next one quite a bit. I’m frustrated because I don’t quite understand my feelings. I’m not sure whether I want another baby now or I’m just looking forward to the time when we will be ready and go for it. Do I really want one now and am just ashamed to admit it, because I know some people will think I’m crazy? Or am I just looking forward to it like Christmas – it will be so awesome when it gets here, but it’s not quite time yet.

I’ve always liked a challenge, so that might be one reason I feel ready for another now. I’ve also been known to bite off more than I can chew occasionally, although I pretty much always come through and achieve my goals. I’m not a procrastinator anymore, so I’m not so worried about biting off more than I can chew.

Plus, I just love kids. I always imagined myself having several close together. The reality of motherhood has changed that desire a little bit, but I don’t know if I really want to let it go. I might still want that.

Things are just so perfect with Max right now, though. It is challenging and I get tired, but he is just so cute and sweet and fun. I love him more than everyday. He really is wonderful and keeps my life full and I feel slightly guilty for wanting more, like he’s not enough or something. I know that’s silly, but I feel it anyway.

Plus, I’ve just started to feel like me again the past few months. I tend to suffer from anxiety and it was exacerbated by the postpartum hormones. However, I’ve gotten my day-to-day anxiety under control. I feel better than I have in a decade probably. I really don’t think the depression and anxiety and insomnia will happen next time. And, if they do, I’m not going to suffer like I did last time. I’ll stop nursing or do whatever I have to do, so I can take Unisom or whatever so I won’t be going crazy from sleep deprivation and trying to take care of two kids at the same time.

So, I feel like me again and I also feel like I’m much more on top of things as a mom. So, of course, I want to upend everything! You know, for funsies! For shits and giggles! I have trouble just leaving things alone and enjoying them as they are. But is it that or do I truly want another one right now??

Finally, I really don’t want to rush Chris. I want us both to be happy and excited about it. And I don’t think he’s there yet. Which is totally understandable. We’ve been through so much the past few years. We’ve had a lot of big changes back to back. We got together, we moved in together four months later, we got engaged seven months after that, got married six months after that, and got pregnant nine months later. Max was born 17 months in to our marriage and we moved when he was almost eight months old. It’s only been seven months since we moved. Maybe we need a little more downtime. In fact, I’m almost sure we do.

Right now, I’m just trying to be patient with myself and take it day-to-day, seeing how I feel. I’m so glad to get this off my chest, though. For some reason, I felt like it was a dirty little secret to possibly want a second baby already. But it’s not. I am going to be honest and just say it – I think I want another one, if not now, soon. But I don’t know when it will happen. And I’m not completely sure of my feelings so …. thoughts? Perspectives from moms who already have two or more? From dads? I do feel like I’m going a little crazy trying to analyze my feelings here sometimes.

One thing I do know – it will be crazy and hard, but it will be amazing when we have another child. We’ll wonder how we ever lived without him or her. I know that even all of you who are reading this and thinking I’m crazy right now are also thinking that deep down. Being a mom is amazing. And I can’t wait to do it all over again.

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A mother’s son

September 29, 2010 at 11:03 pm (Uncategorized)

I keep thinking about his mother.

How she must be beating herself up. Wondering where she went wrong. Perhaps even resenting her son for ending his life after she worked so hard to give it to him.

I keep thinking about a city I love and the University that is beloved by practically everyone in it. A University I’ve come to respect and appreciate.

I keep thinking about how I’d been planning to go to that library with my 1-year-old son to get a book these past few weeks. How I might have gone this week if I hadn’t been out of town visiting my own mother.

I keep thinking about the rage I would feel if anyone ever tried to take my son from me. The rage I would feel if he ever endangered or took someone else’s precious life.

And this is probably a weird point to dwell on, but the fact that it all ended in a library – Libraries have always been sanctuaries for me. Books were a safe world for me to escape to. School was safe. It still should be.

I’m angry at him and I feel sorry for him. And I am just so, so grateful no one else was hurt.

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